The Day I Surrendered

December 28, 2020

I finally surrendered. I was defeated. I felt stuck, vulnerable, and scared.

That day, I wrote in my journal:

“I am feeling restless, like I need something to satiate my hunger for a sign—for anything to provide direction. I’m impatient. I’m lonely. It’s quiet. But yet I don’t want to be around anyone.”

I cried for three solid weeks after my first energy session with Liz (Missed it? Catch up here). I was counting down the days until my next session on January 8, 2021.

Realizing How I Gave Away My Power

Earlier that week, I had listened to an audiobook Untamed by Glennon Doyle (highly recommend!). It inspired me to take a hard look at the ways I was giving away my power.

I wrote down a painful list:

• I always second guess myself.
• I don’t trust my intuition.
• I don’t trust my decisions.
• I don’t speak up when uncomfortable.
• I struggle with speaking my needs.
• I go along with things to avoid rejection.
• I don’t ask for help.
• I worry about what people think.

And at the bottom, in all caps, I wrote:

“YOU ARE ENOUGH. STOP TRYING TO BE WHAT EVERYONE WANTS YOU TO BE.”

I became painfully aware that I was giving away my power all the time. I started questioning everything:

• Every emotion I felt, I questioned.
• Every spiraling thought, I questioned.
• When I stayed silent instead of speaking up, I questioned.
• When I couldn’t say no, I questioned.

But awareness alone wasn’t enough. I still felt small. I still felt lost.

The Dark Night of the Soul

I started to notice patterns and wanted to know why I had these patterns, why I felt so stuck, and why do I feel so weak when I have been through so much. I should feel empowered right now, but yet, I felt small instead.

I didn’t really know what to do with the information I was collecting, but I was becoming aware that something needed to shift and I couldn’t go on like this. I didn’t know who I was anymore and I felt vulnerable and raw. I holed myself up in my apartment and wouldn’t go anywhere unless I had to. I spent most of my days reading about trauma, journaling, crying, and when it became unbearable—I numbed out with Netflix.

Through the pain in my body and the grief in my chest, one truth became clear: I had to start caring for my body. I had to give it what it desperately needed.

Sunday Scrub Day: The Start of Self-Care

That’s when I created what I now call “Sunday Scrub Day.”

At first, it was just adding exfoliation to my skincare routine. But soon, it became a sacred ritual:

• Lighting candles and surrounding myself with crystals
• Taking long baths with salt and herbs
• Listening to podcasts that fed my spirit
• Putting on my favorite dress afterward
• Dancing, singing, screaming, crying, cooking, meditating, journaling
• Walking barefoot in the grass to ground myself

Sundays became about me.

At first, it felt uncomfortable—selfish even. For years, I had poured all of myself into caring for my children, determined to give them the love I never had. But in the process, I lost myself. I became a shell of a person, going through the motions with anger burning inside me.

Self-care didn’t just change my Sundays. It became the foundation for my healing.

Why Self-Care Matters in Healing

This is one of the most important practices when you’re walking through a dark night of the soul: self-care.

Ask yourself:

• How are you taking care of yourself?
• How often do you do the things that bring you joy?
• What feeds your soul?

If you don’t know, it’s time to date yourself.

Think back to your early years: What did you love to do? What could you spend hours on without guilt or shame? Start there.

For me, it began with a full body exfoliation on Sundays. Over time, it grew into a sacred day of self-care. And eventually, I learned that I didn’t need a full day—I just needed to find one small thing every day that fed my soul.

Call to Action: Start Your Own Self-Care Ritual

If you’re feeling stuck, raw, or lost in your own healing journey—start with one act of self-care. It doesn’t have to be big. Let it grow into something sacred, something that brings you back to yourself.

What’s one thing you can do this week that feeds your soul? Comment below or share your ritual with me—I’d love to hear.

Stay tuned for the next chapter in my story, where I dive into inner child healing during my next session with Liz.

Much Love,

Beth